lost_clairic (lost_clairic) wrote in howtodeal,

month and a half in and im all ready begining to hate myself. The mood swings are just getting worse. my tolarnce just keeps getting higher and higher. if this keeps up im going to be taking like 60-70 mg a day and im still going to crash and end up crying myself to sleep every night. i dont know if i can do this. School hasnt even started and im all ready begining to break. Now this guy is going to have me become the star pupel again and get me back on track and im begining to hate him for it...and i dont know why. all this and my friends still dont know whats up, what mood im going to be in when i go to meet up with them or how long its going to stay that way. They cant predict what im going to do next. I cant do big crowds. i cant deal with my family and they have no idea. i cant take this much longer. i havent considered throwing myself out my window since the seventh grade. now i know i could never actually do it but it doesnt stop me from thinking about it every night. nothing tastes good. nothing satisfies. i just keep falling and falling and i can never hit bottom because there is no bottom. all i can is continue to fall and hit the sides of this hole i seem to cast myself into...of course i could have hit bottom quite a while ago and am to numb to actually notice that im no longer falling but have spattered onto the floor and yet my torment doesnt end.

i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i cant fix this.
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